I got everything changed with the state, so I am now "officially" myself. For whatever that is worth, I suppose.

The entire experience at the courthouse was fine, and far less traumatising than I expected. With the exception of security, where I always feel like I'm being demeaned and made to remove more clothing than is necessary.

It's so embarrassing and the amount of shame I feel is palpable. This time I was so flustered and upset I left my 300 dollar smart watch, belt, and windbreaker two floors below me in security for 20 minutes, if that in any way illustrates my state of mind.

I was also the first to come through circuit court since the rules have changed in my area (or at least with that judge). She had to call a clerk to clarify to her why I didn't have enough paperwork. :)

Now for the hard part. The DMV, car titles, Social Security Administration, a passport, my credit union... this is going to take a while. On the upside, at least I won't have to update anything with my insurance company, since I don't have one right now. (Need to apply as soon as I possibly can, too.)

Categories trans, legal


It's actually nice-looking outside today. I mean, it's still very chilly (57°F at the moment), but it's sunny enough it may be pleasant later.

The forecast says it'll get up to 71°F, but I suspect that's not right for our location. We'll probably get about three degrees less.

Categories weather, goodness


Whew, this evening was fun. Mom drove me to therapy, as she often does on Friday, and then we detoured to look at shoes for her at a local shop.

The kid that jumped up eagerly to help us was probably in his mid to late twenties or so, and looked very fit. And fairly blond. He seemed perhaps just a little bit nervous, which put me more at ease.

He gendered me correctly just fine once mom produced the proper cues, and he even sized me on the women's shoe gauge. (What are those things called, I know there's a name for them?)

After my mom's first slew of tries, I elected to get in on the action. May as well, right?

I tried on a bunch of shoes concurrently with my mother, and our helper ended up going back and forth between us, trying to keep us both busy. At times bringing us two to three pairs of nice running shoes at a time, and frantically trying to prepare them for us to schlep our tired feet into.

It was so goofy, and the salesperson was so eager to help us, I eventually kind of got into it and had fun. (Though I did sweat through my deodorant at some point, I must've been a bit nervous...? (The clerk was rather cute...?!))

In the end, mom got some great trail running shoes. I did not, however, find anything. I stumped him with my foolishly bizarre feet. He did try valiantly, I must admit.

He even diplomatically suggested a few times, "sizing up in a men's of this model to see if it's any wider". Very smooth, Tony. Extremely, amazingly smooth.

I may not have found anything that fit, but wherever you are, Tony? You made my day.

Categories trans, goodness


I'm really angry and irritable.

Losing my job seemed like such an inconsequential thing to me last week. Today I feel that loss of self-worth and -esteem dramatically, and it's so raw I want to scream. Instead I can't seem to even cry.

Traveling for several days right after was obviously a mistake as well, and one I will not be making again any time soon. I recently promised my sister I will visit her sometime nearer to summer. I may be able to defer longer, I don't know, but I know I can't make that trip. It's almost exactly the same length to drive as the one I went on over the weekend and still feel like rubbish from that one.

Oh well. I'm done complaining for now. I'm off to Twitter to block or unfollow anyone who says word one about politics.

Categories mental health, depression


That's it! Really!

And then I am a free woman. Free to do... stuff, I guess? Any one have ideas?

I do have a few things planned, but most of them are fairly personal and are not things I intend to broadcast here. At least not in full detail.

If you know me on Twitter you'll probably have more luck DMing me, and asking. I'm sort of tired of blog posts. I know no one reads them, and that's cool, because they aren't really worth it. (To be fair, the only time I go back and look at them is when I am trying to remember when something happened and discover that my daily journal is less-than-helpful...)

Seven lucky days, three in the office (not counting today, which is boring and yet also decidedly uncomfortable).

In other news, 0.5 mg Alprazolam tabs are pretty useless against anxiety. And I thought the 0.25 mg ones were a waste of time...

Categories anxiety, work