Posted

I had a dream last night about missing a whole day of work due to circumstances beyond my control.

After I realized I had done this, my dream mood was so pained and filled with anxiety and fear, that I can still feel the burn of discomfort hours later.

How is something this darn mundane a damn nightmare that I can't stop thinking about?

I am still trying to figure this out, because a job shouldn't have this much power over my sense of well-being and sanity. Yet mine does, and all my jobs have done, honestly. While I am working at a job, I put my employers needs so far ahead of the rest of my own it's absurd. Anyone observing this would know instinctively it was unhealthy and wrong, and I do as well. Yet here I am, unable to stop doing it.

Unfortunately, now that I require medical care somewhat continually, it's impossible for me to simply quit and re-enter the work-force once I'm more mentally secure and stable. I would lose my healthcare, add yet another huge warning flag gap to my resume ("oh no, we can't hire her, she obviously has mental health issues or something"), and start depleting my savings in the process.

To add additional frustration to the mix, I still have no idea what mental health issues I even have. I'm depressed and anxious 99% of the time. And yet, no official diagnoses, no nothing. No one wants to put themselves out there so far as to offer an explanation. Not even theories.

I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro. Do you know what I learned from those experiences? Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications mess me up. They are worse than feeling the way I do right now, which is a dreadful statement to have to make.

Ha. As if to add insult to injury I was just personally attacked in a work email by a client. I'm just done for the day.

I give up.

Author
Categories work, mental health

Posted

I saw a lawyer last Thursday for a consultation to aid me in getting my name changed legally. The paperwork isn't particularly challenging, but as someone with what is literally crippling social anxiety, the consultation was far easier than actually doing the legwork.

She had a full set of the paperwork I would need waiting for me, and we went through it together for a good ten or fifteen minutes. When I got home I stuck the envelope she gave me with my paperwork file folder on the top of my dresser, and haven't touched it since.

As much as I want my name and gender marker changed legally, permanently, and with finality, it just isn't going to happen. I don't have the energy or sanity needed to cover this ground on my own. I get trembly and upset just thinking about it now.

I'm not sure what bad experiences I've had at the courthouse that could be causing this, but whatever it was, I have been there a number of times. Any one of them could be causing me PTSD-like anxiety symptoms. Even trying to figure it out hurts, so I'm simply shoving this project as far back on the burner at is it will go.

I hate letting other people down, but sometimes letting myself down pains me infinitely more deeply and intensely.

Author
Categories trans, legal

Posted

Chronological order of WTF.

So three days ago, someone decided to leave the company I work for on good terms. It's fine, that happens. The only issue is that everyone think they're in charge, so this kind of silliness happens...:

2017-09-18 16:45

Hi Erin,

<So and so> recently took a new full time job <somewhere else> and will no long be able to continue as a independent sales rep.

Please disconnect his email asap.

<The Sales Manager>

Okay, no biggie, I think to myself. I'll get to that shortly, and... then I notice a second email.

2017-09-18 17:09

Hi Erin,

Could you wait just 24 hours so I can finish up the paperwork with <so and so> So at the end of tomorrow Tuesday?

Thanks,

<The CEO>

Well... I mean, sure, I can wait. The waffling is a little funny, no biggie. I shove this to the back of my mind for now...

So I wait until the next day, which turns into today. (I missed Wednesday because I worked more than a full day on Tuesday and could barely get out of bed. It was bad. And today I'm already suffering muscle spasms from being here at this crummy desk that's about as ergonomic as a bed of nails...)

2017-09-20 16:00

We’re set. Please forward <so and so> of the <email@address.com> emails to <some other user>, <The CEO> and me.

Please stop sending emails to <so and so>.

I didn't see this until a short time ago, so I signed into the admin panel and set his account to delete. I chose a user to transfer his data to, and that was that. Or so I thought, because I figured I would get an email reminding me his account was deleted and to set up a Google Group to forward the email meant for him to the ones specified by the Sales Manager.

Only I still haven't gotten that email. After trying twice to delete the account. It just won't delete.

Instead, I got this, from the Sales Manager.

2017-09-21 09:43

Can you please correct this? We don't want this message to go to clients who are trying to contact <user>. We want his emails forwarded to <some other user>, <The CEO>, and Me.

Thanks,
<Sales Manager>

Begin forwarded message:

From: Mail Delivery Subsystem
Date: September 21, 2017 at 9:36:41 AM MD
To: <someone@somewhere.com>
Subject: Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

If you guessed the account that bounced was the one I deleted, you are correct. Congratulations.

I kind of lost it at this point, as I'm working on at least two other things right now that are hugely more important than this stupid user deletion. And I'm getting called out for doing exactly what I had been asked to do, which always rankles.

Anyway, I sent a slightly annoyed email, and suddenly everyone has backed off. I literally just took a mental health day and come back to this kind of... whatever this is.

I am working on a monster stress headache, and the next person to chide me for doing what they asked me to do is likely to get either yelled at, cried on, or maybe both. I'm not even sure at this point.

Author
Categories work, mental health

Posted

I had noticed when I first started using Textpattern, that it had an odd penchant for replacing my standard single- and double-quotes with what I like to call, "stupid-ass quotes".

You've seen these if you've ever used Microsoft Word, or any machine running macOS. For some reason they're popular, and I can't figure out why, they hurt my eyes. I'm not a fucking layout person, I regularly deal in code and data and text input I can count on being consistent.

In other words, I can't deal with these non-standard characters. I always disable these as quickly as I can, before they trip me up, mess something I'm working on up, or otherwise ruin my day.

They are easy enough to remove. Or hack out of the core TxP PHP, anyway. I know they say not to do so, but it's just like Wordpress: if they won't make it an option, what else are you supposed to do? No CMS is perfect. (I know, because I'm still looking.)

Edit $DOCUMENTROOT/textpattern/vendors/Netcarver/Textile/Parser.php, and look down at about line 710. (It was line 710 as of TXP version v4.6.2, anyway.)

   protected $symbols = array(
        'quote_single_open'  => '&#8216;',
        'quote_single_close' => '&#8217;',
        'quote_double_open'  => '&#8220;',
        'quote_double_close' => '&#8221;',
        'apostrophe'         => '&#8217;',
        'prime'              => '&#8242;',
        'prime_double'       => '&#8243;',
        'ellipsis'           => '&#8230;',
        'emdash'             => '&#8212;',
        'endash'             => '&#8211;',
        'dimension'          => '&#215;',
        'trademark'          => '&#8482;',
        'registered'         => '&#174;',
        'copyright'          => '&#169;',
        'half'               => '&#189;',
        'quarter'            => '&#188;',
        'threequarters'      => '&#190;',
        'degrees'            => '&#176;',
        'plusminus'          => '&#177;',
        'fn_ref_pattern'     => '<sup{atts}>{marker}</sup>',
        'fn_foot_pattern'    => '<sup{atts}>{marker}</sup>',
        'nl_ref_pattern'     => '<sup{atts}>{marker}</sup>',
    );

Note the quote_single_open and other quote replacement BS. I went ahead and replaced things like so:

   protected $symbols = array(
##  Oh HELL no. :c
##    ~erin
#          'quote_single_open'  => '&#8216;',
#          'quote_single_close' => '&#8217;',
#          'quote_double_open'  => '&#8220;',
#          'quote_double_close' => '&#8221;',
#        'apostrophe'         => '&#8217;',
        'quote_single_open'  => '&#39;',
        'quote_single_close' => '&#39;',
        'quote_double_open'  => '&#34;',
        'quote_double_close' => '&#34;',
        'apostrophe'         => '&#39;',
        'prime'              => '&#8242;',
        'prime_double'       => '&#8243;',
#        'ellipsis'           => '&#8230;',
        'ellipsis'           => '...',
#        'emdash'             => '&#8212;',
#        'endash'             => '&#8211;',
        'emdash'             => '--',
        'endash'             => '--',
        'dimension'          => '&#215;',
        'trademark'          => '&#8482;',
        'registered'         => '&#174;',
        'copyright'          => '&#169;',
        'half'               => '&#189;',
        'quarter'            => '&#188;',
        'threequarters'      => '&#190;',
        'degrees'            => '&#176;',
        'plusminus'          => '&#177;',
        'fn_ref_pattern'     => '<sup{atts}>{marker}</sup>',
        'fn_foot_pattern'    => '<sup{atts}>{marker}</sup>',
        'nl_ref_pattern'     => '<sup{atts}>{marker}</sup>',
    );

If, like me, you ended up with posts that seem to be stuck with the old quotes, you may be able to fix them by editing and clicking Save without making changes. This worked for me, but your mileage, she may vary considerably.

I'm still new to TxP, but it seems like the old posts get left out because it writes these replacements to the database, instead of rendering after the fact, which would make more sense to me. But whatever, I don't have the time to write my own CMS, so I'm taking what I can get, here...

Author
Categories web

Posted

I'm taking a day off work, because yesterday just figuratively killed me.

I generally work somewhere in the neighbourhood of four to six hours per day. (And I am down on the books as a part-time employee, for what it's worth.) Yesterday I worked almost nine hours, and got home so exhausted I could barely eat dinner.

I like part time, even though I don't make as much money as I am accustomed to getting. In all candidness, I have been asked repeatedly to go full-time, but I have turned this down every time it comes up: I don't want to be full-time again.

The reason I like being part-time so much is because I have time for myself, and self-care. Without it, I was quite literally running myself into the ground. I spent more time working off of my phone, or personal laptop, than I spent doing personal things at home.

So no, I do not miss being full-time, salaried, and basically THE ONLY I.T. person at the company.

Oh, I'm still the only I.T. person, but at least now I have my "core hours", during which I am available to all-comers. (I am still working on enforcing this, as I am terrible at standing up for myself, but days like this help a little.) My family and therapist keep telling me I'm pretty much nuts to stay at this place, and a good portion of the time I have to admit they have a strong case.

But I seriously like having insurance for medical care, and rent money. Call me crazy.

Author
Categories work, mental health