My GP is so comforting. I emailed her on Friday around quitting time that I needed that new scrip, and in no uncertain terms needed it soon, and she emailed back on Sunday to confirm it was as good as faxed.

After spending the weekend re-reading side-effects for Effexor, the one I'm going to try next, I have to say I'm a tiny bit concerned... they keep getting worse rather than better as I progress away from SSRIs and non-standard drug types, and march off into SNRI territory.

Oh well, at least we haven't gotten to lithium or other heavy-duty anti-psychotics yet. That's where things are going to get extremely messed up.

I took a fairly risky bet and did not taper-down on the Lexapro at all, so in the span of about three and a half days I've mostly gotten out from under it. The half life is 27-32 hours and it's been over 72, so hopefully this debilitating headache that feels like the offspring of caffeine withdrawal, a massive alcohol hang-over, and a full-head migraine, is the last I'm going to even suspect could be symptoms.

I really had no others, aside from one of my episodes on Saturday, where I was so depressive and non-verbal I almost got into several fights with my parents because I could not express my needs well. But I get those a few times per month no matter what else is going on, seemingly, and I'm no closer to having any idea what causes them or what they are than ever. Fun times.

If anyone had told me toward the end of 2016 that a year later I was going to be on HRT and pretty much the worst-off I had ever been mentally in my entire life I would literally have scoffed at them. This is so not the place I wanted to be after my first year, I cannot even sufficiently express the mass and breadth of my expansive disappointment.

Hormones were supposed to make everything better, even just enough that I could survive on my own without having to live with my parents. Having that turn out to be entirely the opposite of the case is not a particularly good feeling, and one that actually makes me feel even more dependent than ever on people who are so seriously tired of me at this point I'm surprised they haven't evicted me yet.

At least my acquaintances seem to know when to leave well enough alone at this point, I suppose?

My newish twitter buddy messaged me last night for a while until, I assume, it became apparent I wasn't ever going to ever get any more interesting than tersely simple one sentence responses. At which point she thankfully gave up.

And my very-much-closer-at-one-point friend with whom I used to share everything has been avoiding me all together, which shows incredibly good foresight on his part. Not to mention his having stepped back like twenty miles in terms of how familiar and intimate he's willing to be with me, which I completely understand. I'm a terrible friend, a dreadful listener compared to how I used to be, and a worse confidant. Mostly because all I ever end up doing is whinging about how frustrated I am with my life due to mental health issues, I suppose. This situation is entirely my own fault. I readily admit that. I don't begrudge him anything, his sanity is way more important to both of us than mine is. Seriously.

I swear if I can't find a drug that helps with anxiety, which nothing I have tried to date has touched I'm going to have to quit my job. The anxiety levels are so high at this point, it's not unusual to get to work and have a stress headache upon arrival. I'm talking before I have even clocked-in or started work yet.

Now that's dedication to a cause, amirite?

Categories mental health, anxiety


the tumultuous mess i call a mind is a disaster area today.

i've been struggling for almost an hour to "start working", and yet have nothing done. i can't get anything done with this racket going on in my head. and i can't stop it. (i've been trying for years to no effect.)

as okay as the Lexapro i'm taking is making me feel emotionally, it does less than nothing for the insane screaming din that passes as an inner monologue for me.

right now it is mostly just inarticulate screaming, in fact. which is usually a bad sign that i'm about to have a mental break-down. or an embarrassing melt-down, perhaps with selective mutism. or just plain start sobbing for no reason when someone asks me what i'd like to eat...

...this fun never ends. it's great.


Categories mental health, anxiety


These make the rounds every few days to weeks. I see people answering them all the time, and it makes me jealous, because I wouldn't have to answer a single one. Barely any of my Twitter acquaintances comment on my posts.

Get to know me. 1 Like = 1 Answer

  • Explain your Twitter handle

It's my name. (I know, this is wild.)

  • Who inspires you, and why?


  • Do you care what others think about you?

More than I care what I think, unfortunately. Yes.

  • What are you most looking forward to?

I'd make a joke about being dead, but that's morbid. (But yeah, pretty much that.)

  • What is one life rule you follow?

Be nice. (You have no idea what the other person is going through.)

  • What's your dream job?

I don't really know. I'm pretty bad at everything, and even the things I'm better at aren't enough upon which to base a career. I still haven't even found anything I really like doing in life. So yeah. Gonna have to pass on this one.

  • Which fictional character do you wish you could meet?

Jesus Christ. He seemed pretty chill.

Okay, okay, seriously, no. I think I'd like to meet a character I created for a short story I never finished. I'd love to spend an hour talking to her to understand her better so I could finish the story. Because I'm fairly certain I never will, and it's because I don't know what her solution to her quandary is.

Oh well.

  • As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

First I wanted to be a comedian. Then a firefighter. Then a helicopter pilot.

I'm not funny, nor am I good with hoses, water, or rescues. I don't particularly like flying or heights.

Yeah, I'm a genius over here...

  • If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?

One of the throw-away supporting characters who doesn't even have a name or lines. You know the ones, they only exist to further the story or plot, and you've forgotten them again as soon as they're off-screen.

  • What skill would you like to master?

I would love to be better at reading people and understanding their perspectives. What I would prefer, however, is the ability to be better at blocking other people's emotions.

Someone raising their voice causes me to panic.

I've had to lie down because someone came up behind me and yelled, trying to frighten me. (Pro-tip, I scare easily and have heart issues, so please don't do that... you could kill me.)

When people around me are sad I become morosely, morbidly depressed.

Have a headache and mention it to me: I guarantee, ten minutes later, my head will hurt too, even though I won't say anything about it, because being that suggestible is patently ridiculous.

  • In what situation would you feel most out of place?

Any situation in which I am not the only human present. No, seriously.

  • What artist do you really like, but rarely admit to liking?

Romain de Tirtoff

  • What gets you fired up?

Politics make me mad, if that helps? I don't know any other kind of "fired up", I guess.

  • What annoys you the most about the fandoms you're part of?

That they exist at all. (They're almost all irrevocably vile and disgusting.)

  • What do you do to get rid of stress?

I've never found anything that helps me with stress, to be honest. I'd like to, though.

  • You have to relive one day of your life forever. Which day do you choose?

It doesn't matter. Any day after my transition is done is fine. Just choose randomly, because being trapped in any day pre-transition would end in me killing myself. Probably on the second repeat of the day. (I'm only half joking here.)

  • How quickly do you jump to conclusions about people?

I'm not even sure what this means, are you asking if I'm judgemental? I mean, probably a little? I assume most people are, whether they like it or not.

  • If you were a doll, what accessories would you be sold with?

Pout & Cry Ennui Erin. Comes complete with: plastic box of facial tissue to blow her nose (which is perpetually red due to crying a lot and social anxiety); kung-fu grip (two-day old kitten strength) for trying and failing to open those huge bottles of pickles (sold separately); black velvet choker which she will never wear because it feels like she's suffocating; and, ill-fitting clothes that look fine on every other doll, but hang like hand-me-downs when she wears them.

  • What have you done in life that has given you the most satisfaction?

Started hormone replacement therapy. Stopped pretending to be a depressed boy and came out as a severely depressed girl, naturally.

  • What would be the worst thing to put in a piñata?


Or beer. I'm not sure which.

  • What's the biggest waste of money you've seen?

Anything sold in or promoted on a TV ad.

  • What common misconception do you hate to hear repeated as fact?

"Oh, you're depressed and can't sleep? Feeling down? Get some exercise that will sort you right out."

  • Where is the best place to go to meet awesome people?

Trust me, if I knew I wouldn't be on question 23 of 30 and still plowing through these like crazy...

  • What food do you crave most?

Sodium chloride. In anything.

  • What TV series do you keep coming back and re-watching?

Mystery Science Theater 3000. (I don't know why, and couldn't explain it if I wanted to.)

  • Among your friends, what are you best known for?

If I had any friends I'd be "the weird one". I always was when I did have friends, and despite the fact that I barely have one acquaintance right now, I'm fairly certain that still holds. (I would ask him, but that's "exactly the kind of 'weird question' that Erin would ask", soooo...)

  • Who of your friends is most like you?

Um... pass. Not because I'm withholding, but because I don't have any friends right now. I don't even know any one else transgender in real life, if that tells you what a shut-in I am.

  • What was the most traumatizing moment of your life?

Every second of male puberty. Right up until I turned 39. For real.

  • What's the best lesson you've learned from a work of fiction?

I haven't read fiction voraciously since I was a kid. That was like... 30 years ago. The only thing I do remember is that reading was really pleasant, and I find it terribly frustrating that I can't focus well enough to do it anymore. I miss it sometimes, but I'm just not capable of doing it any more.

  • What's something you'll never do again?

Probably travel. With my mental stuff travel is about the most traumatic activity I can partake in. I hate it with a glowing passion that transcends time, space, and memes. Seriously, f*ck traveling.

If I am willing to travel for or with you, then I consider you family. I won't travel for anyone else.

Categories depression, mental health


Categories trans, web


My last card from them was the same, and I had to take an industrial paper cutter to it. No one has huge briefcase-sized wallets any more. At least no one I know. How else do you expect me to get this in my tiny little wallet? Fold it length-wise? Yeesh.


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