Categories trans, web


Soooo. I kind of got laid off a couple weeks ago.

I didn't mention it, cus in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big of a thing? But I'm starting to process it a bit now, and I'm starting to have feelings about it.

For one, I am the one that instigated it. I mean, not directly, I didn't ask to be laid off. I wrote an email and basically said: "look, you're asking me to work the phones, and because I'm a push-over I have been for a few years. I have said multiple times, however, I am not capable of doing phones for long periods because it's hard on my mental health. Can we do something about this?"

A week later, after I was starting to wonder why I was barely getting any email, I'm called for and I'm staring at my boss and the CEO's wife who are looking very serious and telling me, "this isn't about you being trans, this is about not being able to use the phone".

Okay, great. I believe you. This is about me not being able to use the phone. Something that isn't even in my job description.

And yet this seemingly wasn't even a problem until after I come out? Huh.

As far as I could tell, my direct co-workers were fine with me being transgender. I hadn't even considered that they would think it was a good idea to lay me off for that, let alone a phobia I can't control. (One generally directly attributable to autism or serious anxiety disorders, no less.)

And yet, that's where I find myself.

I have a nest-egg cus I'm fairly okay at managing money, but finding a new job? That's going to be a challenge. I may have to relocate to find anything.

I also still have my GRS savings, so that's an option. Get all that electrolysis, recovery, and other fun stuff taken care of before I have to actually start working again... Or use it for silly things like food and housing, I don't know.

It's so much more of a struggle when one realises her choices actually matter... and that even when I making the correct ones for myself, for the first time in my life, for all the correct reasons, things still go horribly awry at times.

Categories mental health, trans


Why does everyone tell me to breathe when I'm having a panic attack or melt-down?

"Deep breaths, deep breaths!"

I apologise in advance for being annoyed by your attempt to "help" me, but look at it this way: if I'm hyperventilating anyway, do you REALLY think it's a good time to remind me to breathe? Seriously? I'm already doing my best not to pass out as it is. Breathing is literally the LAST THING I CARE ABOUT right then.

"You would be able to calm down if you slowed down your breathing for a minute. Can you try?"

You may as well be asking me if I've done my taxes yet this year, for all the good it does in that situation. (And no, I haven't yet, thanks! I'll get to them as soon as I have enough energy. Just like everything else on my to-do list that never stops growing on a daily basis.)

"Think about the ocean, and breathe slowly like the surf."

I generally do my best to FORGET about breathing as much as possible, because I already have something like a dozen thoughts all vying for attention in my skull, and not a single one of them gives a rotten turnip if I'm having a break-down at the moment, or simply making a cuppa.

But thanks for reminding me to breathe, now I'm stuck doing it voluntarily because you reminded me. Now I'm thinking about it and I have to struggle not to pass out twice as much, because I'm not concentrating on the situation any more, I'm concentrating on not feeling like I'm drowning.

"See, don't you feel better now? All you had to do was relax."

Categories anxiety, mental health


I'm making a little progress at therapy lately. Or rather, maybe I should say that my therapist and mom are making progress. It feels like I'm still precisely where I was before, but they're starting to catch up a little, which is amazing.

Last Friday I reiterated to my therapist, between dabs at my cry-runny nose, that, "I'm autistic. I ID that way whether you or anyone else agrees, because I just am". She ended up asking me to bring my mom in to hear what I was saying, because I suspect she could tell how upset I was at being continually ignored or ridiculed every time I brought this subject up.

In the end I had to go back through some of my "tells", or in allistic talk: "things that prove me autistic". I've mentioned these before, so I won't go into them here. Being hyper-sensitive to almost everything, and sliding immediately into a panic attack when my phone (or literally any phone) rings, is a pretty strong start, and I've proved these things to myself already.

Predominantly, the push-back I seem to get on this relates mostly to my well-being and social stature. Which to me are all pointless to start with, so having them made such a large deal of at every turn mystifies me. What's so special about "being normal" that it's imperative that everyone else see me that way? I'm already transgender and not particularly main-stream in any other way, so I see little value in clinging to useless impressions others may or may not have of me.

Look, maybe you think being autistic is "bad", or "undesirable". That's fair, given how much it's vilified in print, television, and over the air. But, guess what?: I don't feel like my life is destroyed any more by being autistic than I do when I remember I can't sing on key, be the life of the party, or present a TED talk. Those are skills I just don't have, and am not able to learn for one reason or another. Does not being able to learn those make me lazy or inattentive?

No, but people sure seem to believe it gives them the right to make that correlation for me. And to be honest, I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Categories ASD, mental health