work can be so hard on my mental health


in case my other posts today have not conveyed this, i have not been having a good day. i've fallen back to self harm because i could not control my anxiety and run-away worry. this meant i was already very fragile, and in need of space.

i finally got done with work at 13:00, and laid down an hour later to feel better because i just couldn't take the near constant state of panic any longer. i put my phone on silent, because that's what my therapist has said i need to start doing if i'm serious about dealing with this kind of anxiety. (especially where the phone itself ringing is the source of over half of the worry to begin with.)

so of course an hour later my boss tried to call me twice about a support email that no one has done even a lick of information gathering or escalation work on, telling me to call this client immediately. of course i didn't answer, i never even know anyone tried to call me until i got up at 16:50 and saw the anxiety-inducing voicemails, emails and text messages all waiting for me to reintroduce me to terror.

if the the one or two times per month I have to silent my phone after i'm already done with work for the day anyway is too much, then they're not being reasonable. if you can't get to me while i'm working my usual hours from home (and thus have no idea what's going on in the office unless someone tells me) i can't help you. and that has to be okay, because guess what? i'll be voluntarily committed for my own safety if i can't have these "silent days", which are more accurately flippin' afternoons. i need them desperately, and they are not frivolous. this is not negotiable in any way.

anyway, i guess i'll be getting an earful tomorrow when i go it. so that's... •sighs• inordinately stressful to think about, and completely undoes the three hours i was laying down (even the maybe 30 minutes or so i was entirely asleep).

i am ever so glad my lay-down was so useful in lessening my crippling anxiety. and i'm sure my therapist will be thrilled with me on friday... (if you can't tell, both of these statements are 101% sarcasm.)

Categories work, self-harm