I saw my PCP yesterday.
Aside from misgendering me about three times at the end when she was talking to her front-office person -- which I simply chose to ignore, because I was too tired to correct them -- it went okay.
She's fine with me trying the Lexapro again, despite my previous dangerously bad experience with it. She said if or when I change my mind, Effexor (the next item on my "To Try" list) will be called in for me. (SSRIs haven't helped much, so when this one ultimately fails, it's time to try another class, I feel.)
I did not make it to the psychiatrists' office like I wanted to to get started on new patient paperwork. I was so out of spoons by 15:00 after making up the work I missed to see my doctor, that I came straight home and decompressed. Or rather, I tried to. Things were weird at home, too. (Stressful and screwed up life, anyone...)
Everyone keeps having to remind me not to assign negative symptoms to Lexapro that could be caused by other means, but it's kind of hard. I mean, I know for a fact that Celexa made it almost completely impossible for me to sleep. Last night was my second day at "regular" dose of Lexapro, and I got somewhere in the neighbourhood of three or four hours at most. This is in stark relief to the rest of December, when I was sleeping five to seven hours per night. Or there's anorgasmia. Or the unbearable restlessness that causes me to do things like tap my foot until my leg cramps up... It just goes on if I think about it even a little.
I will say this about the ecsitalopram oxalate: it makes the every day hopelessness I feel pretty much all of the time seem more like mild boredom. And honestly I kind of hate that, because I already have enough trouble finding things I am capable of doing. I have a car, but seemingly no friends. Barely a job to speak of, part-time only (though they keep trying to force me into full-time despite the fact that I cannot work full-time.) Not even a significant other to speak of. And somewhat homebody parents who prefer not going anywhere or doing anything (much like myself).
The thing it doesn't even touch so far, is my anxiety. I feel a little more "normal" during the course of a regular day, right up to the point something stresses me out or causes a panic attack: Once that happens all of the normalcy collapses and I'm my old self again, only much worse. On a half dose I never noticed this, but on 10mg anxiety is so much more painful it's almost obscene.
Whether this improves the longer I'm on it is difficult to say. Everyone keeps urging me to stick with it, and I am forced to admit they're correct, I only gave it four days last time. (Mainly because I was about to have an aneurysm from how high my blood pressure was.) I just wish the "getting there" part wasn't so damnably unpleasant, lengthy, and painful. Because each time that magnified anxiety hits me, like it's doing right now, I want to quit the entire trial and cry in bed.
Or quit life, which scares me.