Welp, lithium


I'm trying lithium carbonate as of yesterday.

It seemed to be going well then, but today I find:

  • Pronounced irritability
  • Tightness in and across chest (very uncomfortable, it's like my rib cage shrunk a few sizes, and all my insides are compressing)
  • Arrhythmia (I have this periodically as a matter of course, but this makes it CONTINUAL)
  • Elevated pulse (~70-80 bpm (usually ~50-60))
  • Increased depression and anxiety
  • Feeling shaky, trembly
  • HEADACHE (fucking fuckity fuck it hurts)
  • Feeling of being extremely cold, even when perfectly warm (tested by taking while I felt comfortable. 20 minutes later I was shivering and "cold", despite nothing changing environmentally)
  • Fatigue (to the point I seriously just want to get in bed and say "fuck every possible day, including this one")
  • Inability to control what I say (seriously, I'm being a horrible person to everyone I encounter, and I LITERALLY CANNOT STOP. It's like my mouth/brain filter is just... gone. And that's something I spent A LOT OF FUCKING TIME perfecting over the years, so I'm understandably quite upset and frustrated. And terrified of myself.)
  • Prone to feeling attacked, even when people are just speaking to me normally (I almost cried because a woman at work said something I misread as being "mean", when she was just stating facts)
  • The same mother fucking stanza from this one song I heard days ago in my head, on repeat, it literally will not stop. This is not unusual for me, but it's SO LOUD today. Like, I can't turn it down or off at all. It's starting to frustrate me, and make me feel a little mad.
  • Unable to control my cussing, apparently. You fuck-tank of shitgiblets.

I have no idea if any of this is even related to the lithium, though. Frustratingly, I'm always a-mental-break-down-away-from-crazytown, more so at this point in the week (Thurs through weekend).

I should also point out that almost IMMEDIATELY after taking a dose, I feel a warm and giddy happiness that seems to kind of wash over me like a snuggly blanket? Only, that doesn't last, as I get mean when it wears off, and that's... apparently within about 20 minutes? I just... why.

Gosh I am sick of my head and being trapped in it... I want out of here really badly.

Categories mental health, depression