I'm making a little progress at therapy lately. Or rather, maybe I should say that my therapist and mom are making progress. It feels like I'm still precisely where I was before, but they're starting to catch up a little, which is amazing.
Last Friday I reiterated to my therapist, between dabs at my cry-runny nose, that, "I'm autistic. I ID that way whether you or anyone else agrees, because I just am". She ended up asking me to bring my mom in to hear what I was saying, because I suspect she could tell how upset I was at being continually ignored or ridiculed every time I brought this subject up.
In the end I had to go back through some of my "tells", or in allistic talk: "things that prove me autistic". I've mentioned these before, so I won't go into them here. Being hyper-sensitive to almost everything, and sliding immediately into a panic attack when my phone (or literally any phone) rings, is a pretty strong start, and I've proved these things to myself already.
Predominantly, the push-back I seem to get on this relates mostly to my well-being and social stature. Which to me are all pointless to start with, so having them made such a large deal of at every turn mystifies me. What's so special about "being normal" that it's imperative that everyone else see me that way? I'm already transgender and not particularly main-stream in any other way, so I see little value in clinging to useless impressions others may or may not have of me.
Look, maybe you think being autistic is "bad", or "undesirable". That's fair, given how much it's vilified in print, television, and over the air. But, guess what?: I don't feel like my life is destroyed any more by being autistic than I do when I remember I can't sing on key, be the life of the party, or present a TED talk. Those are skills I just don't have, and am not able to learn for one reason or another. Does not being able to learn those make me lazy or inattentive?
No, but people sure seem to believe it gives them the right to make that correlation for me. And to be honest, I'm getting pretty tired of it.