I saw a lawyer last Thursday for a consultation to aid me in getting my name changed legally. The paperwork isn't particularly challenging, but as someone with what is literally crippling social anxiety, the consultation was far easier than actually doing the legwork.
She had a full set of the paperwork I would need waiting for me, and we went through it together for a good ten or fifteen minutes. When I got home I stuck the envelope she gave me with my paperwork file folder on the top of my dresser, and haven't touched it since.
As much as I want my name and gender marker changed legally, permanently, and with finality, it just isn't going to happen. I don't have the energy or sanity needed to cover this ground on my own. I get trembly and upset just thinking about it now.
I'm not sure what bad experiences I've had at the courthouse that could be causing this, but whatever it was, I have been there a number of times. Any one of them could be causing me PTSD-like anxiety symptoms. Even trying to figure it out hurts, so I'm simply shoving this project as far back on the burner at is it will go.
I hate letting other people down, but sometimes letting myself down pains me infinitely more deeply and intensely.