Bad dream


I had a dream last night about missing a whole day of work due to circumstances beyond my control.

After I realized I had done this, my dream mood was so pained and filled with anxiety and fear, that I can still feel the burn of discomfort hours later.

How is something this darn mundane a damn nightmare that I can't stop thinking about?

I am still trying to figure this out, because a job shouldn't have this much power over my sense of well-being and sanity. Yet mine does, and all my jobs have done, honestly. While I am working at a job, I put my employers needs so far ahead of the rest of my own it's absurd. Anyone observing this would know instinctively it was unhealthy and wrong, and I do as well. Yet here I am, unable to stop doing it.

Unfortunately, now that I require medical care somewhat continually, it's impossible for me to simply quit and re-enter the work-force once I'm more mentally secure and stable. I would lose my healthcare, add yet another huge warning flag gap to my resume ("oh no, we can't hire her, she obviously has mental health issues or something"), and start depleting my savings in the process.

To add additional frustration to the mix, I still have no idea what mental health issues I even have. I'm depressed and anxious 99% of the time. And yet, no official diagnoses, no nothing. No one wants to put themselves out there so far as to offer an explanation. Not even theories.

I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro. Do you know what I learned from those experiences? Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications mess me up. They are worse than feeling the way I do right now, which is a dreadful statement to have to make.

Ha. As if to add insult to injury I was just personally attacked in a work email by a client. I'm just done for the day.

I give up.

Categories work, mental health